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7 Weirdest Things You Can Buy on Taobao

If you didn’t already know, Taobao is a hugely popular online shopping platform in China. Why? Well, let’s see. It’s convenient, things are cheap, and you can basically find anything you’re looking for –  and we mean anything. Just take a look at these utterly weird goodies we’ve managed to find on there – we couldn’t even make this up!

Breast Milk Soap

Hold on to your gag reflex because this breast milk soap is 100% real! To be quite honest, we’re kind of speechless with this one. Don’t get us wrong, we do understand that there are many benefits to using something as natural as breast milk over normal soaps that may contain harmful chemicals, but when it’s bought off the internet from a stranger who claims it’s all made with their own break milk? *shiver* No thank you.

How much: RMB¥10 – ¥30 (HKD$12 – 37)

Pork Knuckle Cushion

Looking to revamp your pad? Well, who wouldn’t want a gigantic cushion that looks like a greasy pork knuckle sitting on their sofa? Not only is this a wicked conversation starter for when you have friends over, it’s also great for crushing those midnight snack cravings. Just one look at this hideous creation and you’re bound to lose your appetite. Horrifically realistic, this meaty cushion is available in sizes from 50cm to a whopping 110cm, you know, just in case you want to terrify your guests.

How much: RMB¥26 – ¥89 (HKD$31 – $110)

Boyfriend Loyalty Test

Feeling insecure about your relationship? Wondering why he’s not answering your calls? Gut telling you he’s not really working late tonight? Well, fret no more because the Boyfriend Loyalty Test is here to save the day. While there are no specific details as to how this actually works, what we can figure out is that these guys will create fake social media accounts, pose as an attractive girl, chat up your “target”, and report back to you with as much dirt as they can find. You can choose from a one-day service (RMB¥21.80), to a long-term tailor-made package (RMB¥2,000). Sounds good to us – who needs honesty and communication anyway?

How much: RMB¥21.80 – ¥2,000 (HKD$26 – $2,453)

Fake Six Pack

Can’t afford that hefty gym membership? Lacking motivation to hit the treadmill? Well here’s a simple solution, just cheat your way to a perfectly buff bod with this fake six pack vest which is sure to turn heads. Light in weight, comfortable to wear, and easy to wash, this super convenient garment will transform your flabby beer belly into rocking hard abs in a matter of seconds. Simply slip on the six pack vest, cover it with a shirt, and voilà! Goodbye gym memberships, hello six pack.

How much: RMB¥768 – ¥888 (HKD$941 – $1,088)

Dog Translator

Ever wonder what your dog is really thinking? Well, with this state-of-the-art dog translator, you’ll never be left second-guessing. You will know exactly when your four-legged friend is hungry, afraid, bored, or just feeling playful. With an 80% accuracy rating (how they calculated this we’d love to know), the device is able to learn about your furry pal’s behaviour, become more accurate over time, and translate their moods into phrases like “Play with me”, “I love you”, and “You’re my friend” in a number of different animated voice options. Nope, not creepy at all.

How much: RMB¥108 (HKD$133)

Alpaca Rental

Whether you’re planning a corporate event, kid’s birthday party, graduation ceremony, or even a wedding, you can be sure to make it an occasion to remember with a little help from the rent an alpaca team. That’s right, you can actually borrow a fluffy guest of honour for a few hours and make it a truly special day for everyone. Random we know, but just imagine the wedding photos! For roughly just $614 a day, we’d definitely say that’s a bargain.

How much: RMB¥500 (HKD$614)

Live Scorpions

Fried scorpion anyone? How about scorpion soup or wine? As gruesome as the idea of eating scorpions is, these creepy little critters are actually very high in nutritional value, so why not buy some live scorpions online and whip up a few insect inspired recipes at home? Whether you prefer a crunchy baby scorpion, or a big, fat, juicy king sized one, there’s plenty of variety available to buy online. Just make sure no one else opens your parcel for you, as they may be in for a nasty surprise!

How much: RMB¥170 – ¥528 (HKD$208 – $647)

Read more! Want more quirky buys? Check out Hong Kong’s Most Hilarious T-shirts.

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